Houston, We’ve Got a Problem.
Some of us are old enough to remember the 1995 film Apollo 13, in which Tom Hanks played the role of astronaut John Swigert. “Houston, we’ve got a problem,” became the tag line for the film and has become a part of the American lexicon.
The issue of mass murder is in the news with nauseating frequency … not because it is in the news, but because of the frequency of the incidents. We KNOW we have a problem … and – depending on our perspective – we passionately argue about what the problem is and what the solution might be.
While I do believe that limiting access to semi-automatic rifles is a first step – guns, as many people argue – aren’t the problem. They are a symptom.
The problem, as I see it, is anger … particularly anger raging inside white males in this country. Last October, Quartz magazine published an article suggesting that many white males in this country feel – on some level –that their masculinity is being threatened … and, with that perception, comes resentment and anger.
Years ago, I remember my dad having a book (ironic, in that he never was a reader!) entitled, “Man of Steel; Man of Velvet.” I was intrigued with the title. I later learned that Carl Sandberg used this phrase to describe Abraham Lincoln.
I believe it is time for us to consciously re-think – and teach our boys and men – what it means to “be a man!” We know about the “steel” side of masculinity … the macho side… the entitled side. Men know how to exert power, how to take charge, how to be strong. What man doesn’t love being a hero … showing the world his strength!
What we don’t talk about, what we don’t teach enough, is the velvet side … the side of real masculinity that involves a conscious effort to listen to, value and understand a woman’s perspective… or anybody else’s perspective! Real Men know how to be tender and gentle and affectionate and nurturing … know how to be good listeners; real men act with humility and class. Real men know how to share power, not just exert it!
It is when men feel emasculated that they build up anger… and sometimes they crack, and violence erupts. Sometimes that violence gets acted out at home, directed toward their partners and children … sometimes it comes out in the work-place toward fellow workers and supervisors… sometimes it comes out in a school towards fellow students and administrators … sometimes it is expressed toward society in general and no one in particular.
As society, we are doing a good job raising men who know how to get, how to expect, how to demand … but we still have a long way to go in terms of teaching how to give … how to express “manliness” in the softer, more velvety ways.
We all have an Inner Magnificence, and sometimes that magnificence feels as hard as steel … and sometimes it is as soft as velvet. We’re doing a much better job of teaching our women how express their steel side. It’s time to teach our boys how to express their velvet side.
The extent to which we do this is the extent to which we’ll create a healthy environment for all … and we’ll be able to say, … “I feel good about being me!”
